10.24.2016

he wanted stawberries in the rain

he
was different
even in moments when he was the same

he
was the same
even in moments where he couldnt decide
if he was a caterpillar
or a butterfly

his cocoon
had been comfortable
and these wings were cumberson

but he knew that he needed to fly
and hopefully someday his wings would be kissed by the sun

but today
it was raining

and the weight of every drop pushed him further away from everything he desired

he knew
the rain was just as needed as the sun
and strawberries needed his kiss
just so they could grow

he
was different
even in moments

when the weight of the world would be effected
by the push of the wind around his flight

he wanted to fly
he needed to fly

but he was afraid
he had grown comfortable in his cocoon

he had never needed wings before
he was content

caterpillars dont have to fly

he wasnt afraid of heights
as much as he was

afraid of falling

he had fallen before
and getting up is just as hard as landing

caterpillars dont have to fly

but he wanted to fly
he needed to fly

but flying
would require him to let go
and trust
that the rain wouldnt last forever

and that his wings
would effect the tides
and that his kiss would pollinate the world
and his heart

would protect him if he ever fell again

he was different
even in moments when things seemed the same

he
wasnt just a caterpillar with wing

he
was a butterfly

he was different

9.23.2016

the heartbreak of one : #thelightyears

I have been


single
my entire life


single
through roughly
6 girlfriends
one wife
and countless
situations that i refused
to place a label on


i have been single


i was never invested in
we


i was never invested in the moment of us
i was never


invested


i learned
to treat relationships like they were disposable
because one hundred percent of marriages end in death
or divorce


and one broken heart was one too many for me


so i


refused to be
committed


monogamous
trustworthy
loyal
steadfast
dependable


i refused to be faithful


i refused to love
love without fear
love without limits


i refused to trust myself
i refused to be trusted


i refused to be vulnerable


i watched relationships
and draped myself in their failure
covered myself in their downfall


promised my heart that it would never be me


if i
was going to feel heartbreak
it would be because i broke my own heart


i have broken
my heart far too many times
through 6 girlfriends
one wife
and countless situations that i refused to put a label on


i
have been alone


i will die
solitary
lonely
by my self


because i have lived
single
for my entire life

9.17.2016

fly free : #thelightyears

I said the last time
would be the last time
The last line would be the last line
I tried to wipe
your name from my tongue

I chained
thoughts of you in the basement of my mind
Until I realized
that they would still get free
and run through the corridors of my soul


You will forever be in my soul
and my heart


But not my life

I ran you out of my life
Because i was unable to handle your light
And you
Didn't know the depths of my darkness


I wake up
Searching for sunshine behind billowing clouds


There were
summer days
Where some of our days
seemed dark enough to remind me of the light


You were my light
When god said
Let there be
she understood the depths of my darkness
This is my darkness


My darkest moment
Left me praying an addicts prayer
  • God, grant me the serenity to accept the fact that i am dying without her but being with her was killing her slowly

I was wise enough to know
That i was killing you
Slowly


I said the last time
would be the last time
The last line would be the last line


I promised myself that i would stop writing
About you
Stop writing
About us
Stop writing
About love
Whether lost or found


But my muse
Was tied up in the basement of my mind
And every time it would get free
I would pick up my pen
And let your light
shine through my darkness


If i stop writing about you
I stop writing


And when im not writing
im dying


So you will forever be in my pen
And my poetry
But not in my life
And not in my light


I will write you
Out of my darkness


And when god says
Let there be
Hopefully i can shine on my own

9.16.2016

god is...

i stand in her light
and dance in her creation
god is a woman

9.15.2016

the brooklyn moment... #thelightyears

i
remember the first time that i found happiness


my darkness
had cloaked itself in depression
and i had forgotten what promises looked like


so i
dodged sunlight like bram stokers dracula
moving in shadows
and fearful of my own reflection


this burden


seemed to live in me forever
my desires
were only quenched by my thirst for fast life
and women whom
i would forget by day break


they loved me for a moment
just enough to hate me forever


just enough to learn that i didn't love myself
but long enough to feel the claws of my depression scratching against their heartbeat


they love me
but i didn't know how to love them back


so i
fearfully crushed their innocence
and prayed someone else would be there to pick up the pieces


until she
she asked me about love
and if i still believed
she asked me about marriage
and if i would do it again
she asked me about heartbreak
and if it hurt forever


so i told her yes
and yes
and no


i told her that love
was like feeling the sun
laying kisses against your face
while the wind was
embracing your heartbeat


i told her that love
was the idea of risking it all
for someone who was willing to risk it with you


i told her that love
was abstract
and tangible
and distant
and close
and i had felt it
and touched it
and held it


and lost it


i told her that i lost love
and i lost me
and i lost moments that i would never get back


and she reminded me
of how i once felt
and she told me that she would help me find my way
and my heart


she reminded me of my innocence
and of my peace
and of my desire to be an example for her


she reminded me to love
without fear
the same way that i love her
the same way that god loves me


she reminded me
that a little child shall lead them


she reminded me that my heart beats for a reason

and loving her is one

9.13.2016

treasure

she handed me her heart
in a box
a bunch of broken pieces that she said she had learned to live without

she told me
if i could put them back together again then it was mine
to keep

she handed me her smile
she had thrown it into a bag
said she
was going to give it to goodwill
just had not had time to drop it off

she told me

dont look too close to the edges of her smile
because they had been withered by her tears
she had sadness in her laugh

she handed me her peace
she had left it in the attic next to her memories
before she had lost her way

she told me

it may be faded
but to her it was all junk
nothing to be treasured

nothing to hold on to
she had learned to do without it
made excuses for how she really didn't need it

she told me it was all trash

broken parts of her past
that she was willing to let go

i asked for her time
told her that i would rather glue the pieces of her heart back together
with my soul than to leave them in her attic

i told her the withering of her smile was where the roses of her future would grow

i asked for her trust
told her that i was willing

to give her as much time as she needed to find it
while i
danced in her light
and laughed in her smile

and told her that her peace
was my destination
and her heart
was my treasure

and her love
we could find
together