dear lauryn

i remember the first time that i heard your voice
it was fierce but feminine
it carried the roar of a lion
wrapped into the sweetness of a songbird

"...and after all the logic and the theory, i add a motherfucker so you ignorant niggas hear me..."

i was 6 years old when i heard that line
and that was when i knew

it was you that i wanted to follow
you were the giant on whos shoulders i wanted to stand
walk in your footsteps
find forever in your flow

i listened
intently to every lyric
memorized every movement

you were you
and i was
learning your greatness

but then you stopped
with no warning you stopped
pressed breaks against the floorboard
until tires screeched from pain
you

stopped

leaving me to find forever in what was left
pick up pieces of that which was less than perfect
and patchwork what i perceived was promise

i wanted to be you
until i realized that you were no more than me
a broken shell of what i imagined

you once said "two emcees cant occupy the same space at the same time"

but you

stopped being an emcee
walked away from every ghetto and every city as if nothing matters
you said everything is everything but left us like lost ones
and in the final hour
i realize the miseducation of you
was the miseducation of a generation

i emcee
because you no longer wanted to
and after all the logic and the theory
even though i may do it wrong sometimes
at least
i still do it

motherfucker

семья

мы боремся, но я люблю, когда мы боремся
потому что, когда мы боремся
мы составляем
и когда мы составляем
мы никогда не помню действительно, почему мы боремся
любовь
где мое сердце
и мое сердце здесь

основывается на моих корней
это мое дерево
и мои филиалы
и мои листья

это мой лес

это моя семья

(paulwroteit / авторских 2014)
(перевод Google Translate)

la familia

luchamos pero me encanta cuando nos peleamos
porque cuando nos peleamos
formamos
y cuando nos reconciliamos
nunca recordamos realmente por que luchamos
el amor es
donde esta mi corazon
y mi corazon esta aqui

basado en mis raices
este es mi arbol
y mis ramas
y mis hojas

esta es mi bosque

esta es mi familia

(paulwroteit/copyright 2014)
(translated by google translate)

its complicated

she loves me not
or at least that is what the rose pedals said
as i
peeled them away from the stem
wishing for one more

moment

i couldnt explain what this was
but it wasnt what it was supposed to be

i hated the things about her that i was supposed to love
and loved

nothing

but we
couldnt stop being we
sold separation to society
only when it was convenient
and were only together for the facebook post and instagram selfies

she loves me not
or at least that is what the social media said
her thoughts posted for the world
leaving me to dig through her subliminal swan song

i didnt know if we were
coming or going
laughing or crying
living or dying

and i
was all out of moments
no more rose pedals
to determine the fate of her heart

she loves me not
and i cant untie this knot
or undo this love
or understand the complications of this heartache
or explain this heartbreak
other than just saying
that
love
is not complicated
but this

this is rocket science
and chinese arithmetic
and how the internet works

this is explaining god to an atheist
or sunset to a blind man
or "fullfillingness' first finale" to someone who had never heard "music of my mind"

this is us
and we
are living out the extinction of our own possibility in purgatory

somewhere between
complete
and
corrosion

its complica...
its us

(paul wrote it/copyright 2014)

moment of silence

his words were trapped behind 

whispers

lingering on lips like forgotten kisses

he 

was a never ending story

a fairy tale

told to unimaginative hearts

everyone 

said he was just a dreamer

spending his days

sitting on the dock of the bay

catching quiet hearts 

just for the conquest 

then throwing them back

because they were broken

he wanted to love

but he was afraid of falling

tripping over his own self worth

fearing that she 

wouldnt catch what was left of his heart

so every night

he would soak up the courage

to pour his heart into her soul

but by day break

his will was broken

beat up

by the bully in his mind 

for believing that she would ever love him

so at sunrise

he was silent

never saying what was wrapped in his soul

he was playful

but only with his own emotions

hoping she would see past his past

he was never her type

but love never had a type

love was love

and he would rather be trapped in it

with her

silently

wrapped in her whispers

listening to whatever lingered on her lips

like forgotten kisses

so every morning

silently

he would say her name

place it in his prayer

right before he would say amen

knowing that god

could hear the silence of his heart

until he found the courage to say it out loud

(paulwroteit/copyright 2014)

never

we should have never

danced under the symphony of the sunrise

dipped our toes in the coolness of the mississippi delta

tried to hang on to shooting stars

we should have never

taken flight on a dandelion

nor ran with the wind

nor tried to sing with trees in a summer storm

we should have never

let go of reality

we should have never believed our dreams

nor painted smiles on our nightmares

only to convince ourselves that they were circus clowns

we should have never

ran with scissors 

by the edge of the pool

after the street lights came on

we should have never left home

never opened our heart up to heartbreak

we should have never believed in love

or fantasy

or fairy tale

snow white was a whore

cinderella had psychological issues

and even belle was a bitch

fuck this...

we should have never 

fallen in love

we should have never

fallen in love

we should have never

lived

we should have lied

and walked away

we should have kept our hearts in an old pair of pants 

at the bottom of the laundry

we should have painted with only black and white

no awkward shades of skylines and sunrises

no amazing conversation

not leading to quiet moments

not leading to amazing sex

not leading to my arm 

wrapped around your waist until you fall asleep

we should have never 

fallen asleep

we should have never dreamed

we should have never 

fallen in love

(paulwroteit/copyright 2014

last dance/first dance

as soon as the music started

i knew this was our last dance

memories played through melodies

as our bodies swayed

trapped inside the groove

we

didnt want to say goodbye

but this was

goodbye

the last time our bodies would intertwine

slow wine

poured sips of you into my everlasting soul

faded fantasy

beat against reality

and somewhere in between

we fell

in love

or lust

or life

our life

entertained every word

as our bodies

pulled out the last of what was left

i

gave you me

written in my stare

and you

gave me your soul

swinging from your smile

i took your smile

and hid it

in my heart

directly next to the memories of every important song

our song

the last song

cataloged in the soundtrack of my life

we danced

and prayed that the dj knew that we

needed the extended version

we danced

and in that moment the world danced

with us

we danced

and cried

and smiled

and held each other until the lights came on

we danced

as the dj said thank you to the crowd

as the people left the building

as our lives knew we were through

this was our last song

our last embrace

our last love

our last dance

congratulations on your next dance

your first dance

your forever dance

(paulwroteit/copyright 2014)

mamas boy

mama

i wish that i could wear your pain

as well as you wear your pride

i see you

uncomfortably standing in place of someone who refused to stand for themselves

you are a soldier 

teaching your son

how to become what you think a man should be

hoping that the only thing he takes from his father

is his looks

and maybe his sense of humor

but never grasping hold to his lack of responsibility 

i see you

having to be a queen

showing your prince how to be 

king

i see you

silently fighting through conversation about girls, and football, and fake friends and peer pressure 

and

and

and awkwardly hoping that you never have to explain why his dick gets hard for no reason

i see you

sitting in barbershops 

listening to conversations that slaughter the serenity of your ears

i see you 

standing on sidelines 

wondering whos baby that coach is yelling at 

i see you

wishing you could just one time say 

"i am going to let your father deal with this"

and know that it carries the same weight as atlas

i see you

knowing that we learn by example

but his 

greatest example has chosen to walk away

so your prince

cant wait for the day that he can walk as a king

even though he doesnt know being a king means

patterned his life after the strongest person he knows

and she

can only hope that she taught him right

some

things just are not right

so mom 

i see you

and wish that i could wear your pain

the same way i see you wearing your pride

teaching him that respect comes first 

and love isnt always tied to his DNA

i see you

and know that your son 

sees you too

(paulwroteit/copyright 2014)

perfectly imperfect

i was friday night lights
dancing with the devil
soaking up praise from parishioners like preachers do in pulpits
i stood on stages and sold soliloquies
i was brash
bold
and beholden to my own
being
as soon as god gave me breath
i was being

grasping for glory
i had game planned my greatness
i was god

no blasphemy in my bravado
i was god's son
given this gift
i used it as god gave it to me
it was good

but she
she was sunday morning service
her praise was private
her soliloquies stood in shadows
she was quiet
and quaint
she was the reason for her reign
queen
she was queen

we were different
opposite ends of a candle
but burning just as bright
i was 12 AM when the world was at its darkest
and shadows ran rampant

she was 12 noon
when the sun decided to dance at its highest
touching everything with its light

she was my light
and i was her rough edge
she was my quiet whisper
and i was her fight
she taught me how to have a warm heart
as i taught her how to have a cold shoulder
turn her back on those who were not worthy of her smile

she was my smile
and i was her
"quick to punch a motherf*cker in the mouth if they looked at us wrong"

we were wrong
but only when we weren't together
because separately
our imperfections stood up and shouted
made a mockery of this mess that we called love

but hand in hand
they danced
complemented each other with perfection

she said nothing was perfect
so pessimistic

i told her that WE were perfect
the lies of an optimist

but only in our imperfections

because our imperfection made us perfect
for each other

she was enough quiet for the both of us
and i promised to never roar in the house

she made me perfect
and i
showed her
that she had always been

(paulwroteit/copyright 2014)

otis

i
realize now where i went wrong
where things fell apart
broken moments not listening to the music
ignoring the same advice that i had given countless times in the past
pulling the strings on us
until we
unraveled like a tattered sweater
not
paying attention to my past
not understanding that sometimes
love gets weary
wearing the same old shaggy smile
listening for soft words until the world becomes easier to bear

i didnt
make things easier
i forgot
to turn off my aggression
and make tender those situations
when all love needed
was a moment

one
- if i could, i would rewrite our beginning on the inside of my eyelids
so the story of us would be the first thing i would see in my dreams

two
- i would write out every negative part of my past until it flowed away from my pen forever.

three
- i would write you the story of my life
openly and honestly
letting you read the parts of me that were hidden from my own heartbeat

four
- i would write you the world.
letting you be my muse
the underlying theme behind every word written

five
- i would love you

five
- i will love you

five
- i love you

six
- every day
from now until forever
i will remember my own advice
and the advice of countless others
to just love you

seven
- i will listen to the music
and play more otis
and sam
and marvin
and james and ray and bobby and luther
i will slow dance
whenever you just want to slow dance

eight
- i will recognize where i went wrong
and when the song plays
i will close my eyes
and pull you next to my heart beat

and love you.

(paulwroteit/copyright 2014)

questions

she asked me
if these poems were about you
if
when i picked up my pen
you were still my muse

she said
she could see you in my smile
claimed you
were the stoned wall that was wrapped around my heartbeat

she said my love poems
sounded as if they were written by praying hands
that said your name right after i said amen

and my hate poems
sounded like someone
had broken a glass menagerie filled with all of our hopes and dreams

she said i loved you
still
and she was tired of finding you
tucked into places in my heart that she didnt even know existed

maybe she came too soon
maybe in letting you go i forgot how to hold on
maybe i didnt know what being done was

because i said we were done
but how
could i convince her of something that i wasnt sure of myself

but these poems were not about you
and you are no more of my muse
than she

but you knew that
and she
only knew what she force herself to believe

because you knew me
just enough to tuck yourself into places in my heart that i would stumble upon in my dreams

you knew that i wrote in my dreams
so you waited for me
right above the clouds
and whispered your name into my thoughts
so when i closed my eyes
and sketched my heart into words
scrolled across a blank canvases

everything i wrote

was still about you

paulwroteit/copyright 2014

Schizophrenia

i hate you
at least i wish i could hate you

i wish i could hate you with the same passion that i loved you with

i wish i could
walk backwards into my destiny
and tell my younger self
to never say hello

never
pursue the promise
because it is going to become problematic

never approach you
never tempt fate
never give in
to the temptations of love

never loved you

i wish i could
turn off my heart
and only listen to my head
because my head has never fallen
its always practical
and calculated
and alone

i wish i would have left you alone

i love you
at least i wish i could love you

i wish i could love you with the passion that i hated you with

i wish i could
run at full speed into my destiny
and tell my older self
that trials lead to triumph

always
preserver past the problems
because there is much more in the promise

be thankful for the approach
embrace the fate
and accept everything that is tempted in love

love
for the sake of love

i wish i could
turn my heart back on
but it has been broken past repair
now it only listens to my head
it is pierced
and callused
and alone

i wish i would have left you alone

i wish i could love you
again
and hate you
never
and pretend that our perfection was our promise

i promise to love you
just as long as i hate you
and i promise to hate you
forever

(paulwroteit/copyright 2014)

a letter to my next first kiss

i want my next first kiss
to be more awkward than my last

to linger on my lips
long enough to permanently change my mind about love

i want it

to be unexpected
like it was sent by parcel post
and the sender never told me that it was coming
never
notified me of a tracking number
never left a note on my door

i want to hear
my heart
ring like a doorbell
and when i open my soul
i want to be surprised

i want to wear it
publicly like a badge of honor
so soldiers of unfortunate love will stop and salute me

i want people to see it
and turn their heads
pretending
to be bothered
when honestly they are just showing their jealousy
wishing this
could be them

i want us to never be them
never be
anything
that either of us held on to in our past

our past didnt last
and i want my
next first kiss to be the start of forever

i want it to lead to more sunrises than sunsets

i want it to be the beginning of infinity
the big bang
that moment that god created light
the inner peace that buddhist seek

i want my next first kiss to be the sunrise
on a day that never ends
i want it
attached to a smile that last forever

i want it now and forever

i want my next first kiss
to erase every kiss that came before it
place new memories in old frames
and then glue them in so they will live forever

i want to see forever
the moment i open my eyes
right after
my next first kiss

(paulwroteit/copyright 2014)