11:11:11 AM

it's

11:11 AM

and my first thought is

you

immediately my second thought is

they lied

the american journal for positive thinking said it took 11 weeks to get over someone

but it's been

2 years

actually it has been 2 years 3 months 13 days and 6 hours

but who's

keeping count

i find myself seeking reasons to calls you but then i dont call you because

the last time that we spoke

your voice

sounded like distance

your words sounded like the elongated pause after a statement of declaration

your heart

packed all of its emotion into the backseat until it couldnt see out of the rear window

and then you

left

drove away without ever looking back

i asked how you had been

and you said

you were doing fine

and i believed you

your words

sounded like the scars on your heart had healed

and you were better

you had driven

light years past us

past me

past the bullshit

heartbreak  

and pain

you were gone

and i

i was better

i had found peace in myself

and learned to let go of my regret

but i regret

not calling when i should

not following through on my hearts promise

not listening to the screams of my soul

i regret not making you my forever

so i guess that forever

when i notice that its 11:11 AM

my first thought

will forever be you

Genesis 1:3

and god said let there be light... #thelightyears

darkness : #thelightyears

have you ever

found yourself in the dark so long

that you stopped looking for the light

your eyes

forced themselves closed

until sight was not option

every heart

that you touched was so fragile

and broken so easily

but you kept saying

that you found them that way

she was crazy

became the slogan for every failed situation

but you

forgot to mention

that she wasnt always like that

her trust issues

were built

into the fabric of your lies

you said

trust me

but never gave her anything to trust

you said

love me

and that she did willingly

you said

if you loved me

you would trust me

but the logic in that

was similar to the logic in your lies

you lied

because you didn't want to break her heart

but your lies

broke her heart

and you

attempted to mend the pieces

by blaming her for not loving you enough

but she love you

as much as you would allow

she loved the you

that you showed her

broken

bitter

and built on the lies that you presented as promise

she loved that you

she loved you in your darkness

and all you had to do

was open your eyes

and see her
standing there in the light

12:30 AM : #thelightyears

they say it it darkest

just before the light

but nightfall seemed to come so early

and the sun

no longer shines here

here

i stand

holding more broken hearts than fulfilled promises

asking god if she

would ever be able to forgive me

i wrote down every lie that i ever told

on the backs of bible pages

then set each of them on fire

no more telling myself that i will do better the next time

this time

is the only time that matters

so this time

i want to tell you every untruth

and pray that when god hears them

she

will know that i changed

god

i have changed

so i lead

with the only honest thing that i can

hi my name is

paul

i am my father's son

son of an addict

and just like his father

i am

powerless over my own addictions

i have died

more times that i would love to count

only to be resurrected as the same

me

i am afraid of mice

and frogs

and love

fearful that my truth

was never really truth in the first place

only lies

disguised as promises

so

i will no longer promise

i will no longer tie myself to my own falsehoods

i will no longer give you less than you deserve

i will give you truth

the truth

not my truth

packaged up for your consumption

with a bow and a prayer that it aligns with the stars

i am a star

but this time

i want you to see

that in my darkest moment

i shine

just as bright as i can

and i pray

that every night

at 12:30 AM

you still look up to the heavens

and see us

shining

eternity : #thelightyears

tonight i

slit my wrist

the long way

just to make sure that all of my darkness was able to bleed out

my soul

runs dry onto the pavement

until all of my demons are gone

tonight i

died

and the news is going to say that it was suicide

but this

was my rebirth

the rewrite to my own story

this hollow shell

lays lifeless against cold bathroom floors

leaving a reminder of who i no longer wanted to be

a lifetime of bad decisions

i had become someone that i could no longer live with

so tonight

my light

decided to divorce my darkness

and ascend to stand amongst stars

tonight i

let go of past mistakes

stopped building promises on cracked foundation

i stopped pretending

that everything was alright

because nothing

was ever alright

some will say that this

this

should have never been an option

but to a heart with no options left

this was my promise

tonight i promise

to never lie again

never allow my actions

to cause tears to fall like rain

tonight i

pray for rain

so the world wont see these last tears

if anybody cries

i pray

that broken hearts mend

and they will know this was my rebirth

my ascension

my light

deciding that it no longer wanted to be confined by my mistakes

my last mistake

was not taking the time to say goodbye

but this is no goodbye

this is my light

deciding to stand with the stars

and hopefully shine forever

this is where we start forever

dear lauryn

i remember the first time that i heard your voice
it was fierce but feminine
it carried the roar of a lion
wrapped into the sweetness of a songbird

"...and after all the logic and the theory, i add a motherfucker so you ignorant niggas hear me..."

i was 6 years old when i heard that line
and that was when i knew

it was you that i wanted to follow
you were the giant on whos shoulders i wanted to stand
walk in your footsteps
find forever in your flow

i listened
intently to every lyric
memorized every movement

you were you
and i was
learning your greatness

but then you stopped
with no warning you stopped
pressed breaks against the floorboard
until tires screeched from pain
you

stopped

leaving me to find forever in what was left
pick up pieces of that which was less than perfect
and patchwork what i perceived was promise

i wanted to be you
until i realized that you were no more than me
a broken shell of what i imagined

you once said "two emcees cant occupy the same space at the same time"

but you

stopped being an emcee
walked away from every ghetto and every city as if nothing matters
you said everything is everything but left us like lost ones
and in the final hour
i realize the miseducation of you
was the miseducation of a generation

i emcee
because you no longer wanted to
and after all the logic and the theory
even though i may do it wrong sometimes
at least
i still do it

motherfucker

семья

мы боремся, но я люблю, когда мы боремся
потому что, когда мы боремся
мы составляем
и когда мы составляем
мы никогда не помню действительно, почему мы боремся
любовь
где мое сердце
и мое сердце здесь

основывается на моих корней
это мое дерево
и мои филиалы
и мои листья

это мой лес

это моя семья

(paulwroteit / авторских 2014)
(перевод Google Translate)

la familia

luchamos pero me encanta cuando nos peleamos
porque cuando nos peleamos
formamos
y cuando nos reconciliamos
nunca recordamos realmente por que luchamos
el amor es
donde esta mi corazon
y mi corazon esta aqui

basado en mis raices
este es mi arbol
y mis ramas
y mis hojas

esta es mi bosque

esta es mi familia

(paulwroteit/copyright 2014)
(translated by google translate)

its complicated

she loves me not
or at least that is what the rose pedals said
as i
peeled them away from the stem
wishing for one more

moment

i couldnt explain what this was
but it wasnt what it was supposed to be

i hated the things about her that i was supposed to love
and loved

nothing

but we
couldnt stop being we
sold separation to society
only when it was convenient
and were only together for the facebook post and instagram selfies

she loves me not
or at least that is what the social media said
her thoughts posted for the world
leaving me to dig through her subliminal swan song

i didnt know if we were
coming or going
laughing or crying
living or dying

and i
was all out of moments
no more rose pedals
to determine the fate of her heart

she loves me not
and i cant untie this knot
or undo this love
or understand the complications of this heartache
or explain this heartbreak
other than just saying
that
love
is not complicated
but this

this is rocket science
and chinese arithmetic
and how the internet works

this is explaining god to an atheist
or sunset to a blind man
or "fullfillingness' first finale" to someone who had never heard "music of my mind"

this is us
and we
are living out the extinction of our own possibility in purgatory

somewhere between
complete
and
corrosion

its complica...
its us

(paul wrote it/copyright 2014)

moment of silence

his words were trapped behind 

whispers

lingering on lips like forgotten kisses

he 

was a never ending story

a fairy tale

told to unimaginative hearts

everyone 

said he was just a dreamer

spending his days

sitting on the dock of the bay

catching quiet hearts 

just for the conquest 

then throwing them back

because they were broken

he wanted to love

but he was afraid of falling

tripping over his own self worth

fearing that she 

wouldnt catch what was left of his heart

so every night

he would soak up the courage

to pour his heart into her soul

but by day break

his will was broken

beat up

by the bully in his mind 

for believing that she would ever love him

so at sunrise

he was silent

never saying what was wrapped in his soul

he was playful

but only with his own emotions

hoping she would see past his past

he was never her type

but love never had a type

love was love

and he would rather be trapped in it

with her

silently

wrapped in her whispers

listening to whatever lingered on her lips

like forgotten kisses

so every morning

silently

he would say her name

place it in his prayer

right before he would say amen

knowing that god

could hear the silence of his heart

until he found the courage to say it out loud

(paulwroteit/copyright 2014)

never

we should have never

danced under the symphony of the sunrise

dipped our toes in the coolness of the mississippi delta

tried to hang on to shooting stars

we should have never

taken flight on a dandelion

nor ran with the wind

nor tried to sing with trees in a summer storm

we should have never

let go of reality

we should have never believed our dreams

nor painted smiles on our nightmares

only to convince ourselves that they were circus clowns

we should have never

ran with scissors 

by the edge of the pool

after the street lights came on

we should have never left home

never opened our heart up to heartbreak

we should have never believed in love

or fantasy

or fairy tale

snow white was a whore

cinderella had psychological issues

and even belle was a bitch

fuck this...

we should have never 

fallen in love

we should have never

fallen in love

we should have never

lived

we should have lied

and walked away

we should have kept our hearts in an old pair of pants 

at the bottom of the laundry

we should have painted with only black and white

no awkward shades of skylines and sunrises

no amazing conversation

not leading to quiet moments

not leading to amazing sex

not leading to my arm 

wrapped around your waist until you fall asleep

we should have never 

fallen asleep

we should have never dreamed

we should have never 

fallen in love

(paulwroteit/copyright 2014

last dance/first dance

as soon as the music started

i knew this was our last dance

memories played through melodies

as our bodies swayed

trapped inside the groove

we

didnt want to say goodbye

but this was

goodbye

the last time our bodies would intertwine

slow wine

poured sips of you into my everlasting soul

faded fantasy

beat against reality

and somewhere in between

we fell

in love

or lust

or life

our life

entertained every word

as our bodies

pulled out the last of what was left

i

gave you me

written in my stare

and you

gave me your soul

swinging from your smile

i took your smile

and hid it

in my heart

directly next to the memories of every important song

our song

the last song

cataloged in the soundtrack of my life

we danced

and prayed that the dj knew that we

needed the extended version

we danced

and in that moment the world danced

with us

we danced

and cried

and smiled

and held each other until the lights came on

we danced

as the dj said thank you to the crowd

as the people left the building

as our lives knew we were through

this was our last song

our last embrace

our last love

our last dance

congratulations on your next dance

your first dance

your forever dance

(paulwroteit/copyright 2014)

mamas boy

mama

i wish that i could wear your pain

as well as you wear your pride

i see you

uncomfortably standing in place of someone who refused to stand for themselves

you are a soldier 

teaching your son

how to become what you think a man should be

hoping that the only thing he takes from his father

is his looks

and maybe his sense of humor

but never grasping hold to his lack of responsibility 

i see you

having to be a queen

showing your prince how to be 

king

i see you

silently fighting through conversation about girls, and football, and fake friends and peer pressure 

and

and

and awkwardly hoping that you never have to explain why his dick gets hard for no reason

i see you

sitting in barbershops 

listening to conversations that slaughter the serenity of your ears

i see you 

standing on sidelines 

wondering whos baby that coach is yelling at 

i see you

wishing you could just one time say 

"i am going to let your father deal with this"

and know that it carries the same weight as atlas

i see you

knowing that we learn by example

but his 

greatest example has chosen to walk away

so your prince

cant wait for the day that he can walk as a king

even though he doesnt know being a king means

patterned his life after the strongest person he knows

and she

can only hope that she taught him right

some

things just are not right

so mom 

i see you

and wish that i could wear your pain

the same way i see you wearing your pride

teaching him that respect comes first 

and love isnt always tied to his DNA

i see you

and know that your son 

sees you too

(paulwroteit/copyright 2014)