perfectly imperfect

i was friday night lights
dancing with the devil
soaking up praise from parishioners like preachers do in pulpits
i stood on stages and sold soliloquies
i was brash
bold
and beholden to my own
being
as soon as god gave me breath
i was being

grasping for glory
i had game planned my greatness
i was god

no blasphemy in my bravado
i was god's son
given this gift
i used it as god gave it to me
it was good

but she
she was sunday morning service
her praise was private
her soliloquies stood in shadows
she was quiet
and quaint
she was the reason for her reign
queen
she was queen

we were different
opposite ends of a candle
but burning just as bright
i was 12 AM when the world was at its darkest
and shadows ran rampant

she was 12 noon
when the sun decided to dance at its highest
touching everything with its light

she was my light
and i was her rough edge
she was my quiet whisper
and i was her fight
she taught me how to have a warm heart
as i taught her how to have a cold shoulder
turn her back on those who were not worthy of her smile

she was my smile
and i was her
"quick to punch a motherf*cker in the mouth if they looked at us wrong"

we were wrong
but only when we weren't together
because separately
our imperfections stood up and shouted
made a mockery of this mess that we called love

but hand in hand
they danced
complemented each other with perfection

she said nothing was perfect
so pessimistic

i told her that WE were perfect
the lies of an optimist

but only in our imperfections

because our imperfection made us perfect
for each other

she was enough quiet for the both of us
and i promised to never roar in the house

she made me perfect
and i
showed her
that she had always been

(paulwroteit/copyright 2014)

otis

i
realize now where i went wrong
where things fell apart
broken moments not listening to the music
ignoring the same advice that i had given countless times in the past
pulling the strings on us
until we
unraveled like a tattered sweater
not
paying attention to my past
not understanding that sometimes
love gets weary
wearing the same old shaggy smile
listening for soft words until the world becomes easier to bear

i didnt
make things easier
i forgot
to turn off my aggression
and make tender those situations
when all love needed
was a moment

one
- if i could, i would rewrite our beginning on the inside of my eyelids
so the story of us would be the first thing i would see in my dreams

two
- i would write out every negative part of my past until it flowed away from my pen forever.

three
- i would write you the story of my life
openly and honestly
letting you read the parts of me that were hidden from my own heartbeat

four
- i would write you the world.
letting you be my muse
the underlying theme behind every word written

five
- i would love you

five
- i will love you

five
- i love you

six
- every day
from now until forever
i will remember my own advice
and the advice of countless others
to just love you

seven
- i will listen to the music
and play more otis
and sam
and marvin
and james and ray and bobby and luther
i will slow dance
whenever you just want to slow dance

eight
- i will recognize where i went wrong
and when the song plays
i will close my eyes
and pull you next to my heart beat

and love you.

(paulwroteit/copyright 2014)

questions

she asked me
if these poems were about you
if
when i picked up my pen
you were still my muse

she said
she could see you in my smile
claimed you
were the stoned wall that was wrapped around my heartbeat

she said my love poems
sounded as if they were written by praying hands
that said your name right after i said amen

and my hate poems
sounded like someone
had broken a glass menagerie filled with all of our hopes and dreams

she said i loved you
still
and she was tired of finding you
tucked into places in my heart that she didnt even know existed

maybe she came too soon
maybe in letting you go i forgot how to hold on
maybe i didnt know what being done was

because i said we were done
but how
could i convince her of something that i wasnt sure of myself

but these poems were not about you
and you are no more of my muse
than she

but you knew that
and she
only knew what she force herself to believe

because you knew me
just enough to tuck yourself into places in my heart that i would stumble upon in my dreams

you knew that i wrote in my dreams
so you waited for me
right above the clouds
and whispered your name into my thoughts
so when i closed my eyes
and sketched my heart into words
scrolled across a blank canvases

everything i wrote

was still about you

paulwroteit/copyright 2014

Schizophrenia

i hate you
at least i wish i could hate you

i wish i could hate you with the same passion that i loved you with

i wish i could
walk backwards into my destiny
and tell my younger self
to never say hello

never
pursue the promise
because it is going to become problematic

never approach you
never tempt fate
never give in
to the temptations of love

never loved you

i wish i could
turn off my heart
and only listen to my head
because my head has never fallen
its always practical
and calculated
and alone

i wish i would have left you alone

i love you
at least i wish i could love you

i wish i could love you with the passion that i hated you with

i wish i could
run at full speed into my destiny
and tell my older self
that trials lead to triumph

always
preserver past the problems
because there is much more in the promise

be thankful for the approach
embrace the fate
and accept everything that is tempted in love

love
for the sake of love

i wish i could
turn my heart back on
but it has been broken past repair
now it only listens to my head
it is pierced
and callused
and alone

i wish i would have left you alone

i wish i could love you
again
and hate you
never
and pretend that our perfection was our promise

i promise to love you
just as long as i hate you
and i promise to hate you
forever

(paulwroteit/copyright 2014)

a letter to my next first kiss

i want my next first kiss
to be more awkward than my last

to linger on my lips
long enough to permanently change my mind about love

i want it

to be unexpected
like it was sent by parcel post
and the sender never told me that it was coming
never
notified me of a tracking number
never left a note on my door

i want to hear
my heart
ring like a doorbell
and when i open my soul
i want to be surprised

i want to wear it
publicly like a badge of honor
so soldiers of unfortunate love will stop and salute me

i want people to see it
and turn their heads
pretending
to be bothered
when honestly they are just showing their jealousy
wishing this
could be them

i want us to never be them
never be
anything
that either of us held on to in our past

our past didnt last
and i want my
next first kiss to be the start of forever

i want it to lead to more sunrises than sunsets

i want it to be the beginning of infinity
the big bang
that moment that god created light
the inner peace that buddhist seek

i want my next first kiss to be the sunrise
on a day that never ends
i want it
attached to a smile that last forever

i want it now and forever

i want my next first kiss
to erase every kiss that came before it
place new memories in old frames
and then glue them in so they will live forever

i want to see forever
the moment i open my eyes
right after
my next first kiss

(paulwroteit/copyright 2014)

fin

i
kept listening for the silence
sounds ripping through the wind
reminded me of chaos
but i needed peace

the tranquility of laying next to your heart
during those nights of nothingness

you taught me

that doing nothing
with someone you love
is better than doing everything you can

alone

but here i lay
alone
listening for the silence
wondering if you
would push your way through the tragedy
just to lay with me

they said i died

for those few seconds
the sirens sounded like angels
heaven opened its doors
and god herself reached for my hand

i wanted more than this
more for us
more
than a lifetime would ever allow

i wanted to walk into reincarnation with you

where we would be monarch butterflies
or dolphins
or grizzly bears
or water beetles
or texas sized grass hoppers
or wind

who cares

as long as we were doing it together

but there i lay
surrounded by chaos

trying to convince god
that this
was not how it was supposed to end
telling her
that her destiny was a lie
and that forever
carried an expiration date

i thought about dates
and how our days never seemed number
how our first kiss felt like it lasted a lifetime
and i was born again into your heartbeat
then died in your arms
only to be resurrected in your smile

but the sirens

kept reminding me that those were just memories
stories written into a book
filled with every lie
or unfulfilled promise that ever fell from my lips

i am sorry
that i am no longer your forever
that this chapter
wasnt written with a happy ending
that this moment
leaves me listening to the chaos

alone

the end

(paulwroteit/copyright 2013)

for my muse: Best I Ever Had

"you know a lot of girls be thinking my song is about them, but this is not to be confused. this one is for you..." Drake Best I Ever Had

you knew me
from my flaws to my perfection
you
were my perfection

i would pour
thoughts of you into my pen
then write until your soul stained our sheets

you were my truth
away from the lies
that others listen to on stage

the only stories that they had
were imagined behind a microphone

but you
you were my image
reflecting everything that i was doing right

you took my words
and laid them gently on your heart

you knew my words
before they became objectified
and torn apart for public consumption

the masses
would rip at my flesh
but
you
pulled at my soul

you were my soul
my pleasure
and my pain
pouring out from my pen
staining more than just our sheets

you knew me

better than i ever wanted to admit

you were my flawed moments of perfection
poured into my pen
permanently written into every part of my life

(paulwroteit/copyright 2013)

weather report

we had both been here before
dancing around the idea
like native tribes did fire

we must have wanted it to rain
just to see if we could weather the storm
so we

both boarded up our hearts
stored enough supplies
just to get by
and listened for the fall out

in here we were safe

we had both decided
it is better to
never love again
than to have our hearts broken into pieces
so we stayed away from windows

kept the doors to our soul shut tight
and pulled the curtains as far as they could go
we tempered our laughter

because smiles always led to joy
and joy led to love
and love led to
tears

that seemed constant

at least that was our constant

and neither of us wanted to cry again
so we

refused to tempt fate
wouldnt allow each other to fall past right now
i became her right now
she became my excuse to never love

we stood defiant
to the idea of relationship
because together
we thought we had what we needed

until

she needed more and our

friendship was no longer beneficial

she wanted
to dance in the rain
but i was still to afraid to get wet

i still
carried too many brokenhearted pieces to hold open an umbrella

i still danced
around the idea of forever
but could give her more than right now

she kept looking past right now
said that our forecast called for sunshine
but i told her that meteorologist were just carnival game merchants
who lied for the sake of ticket sales

but we had been here
before
her ready to love
and me
afraid of the idea

and
praying for more rain

(paulwroteit/copyright2013)

thank you

she has always been my muse

my comfort on uncomfortable days

my unbroken promise

she was there for me when it seemed like the world had turned its back

i was post crack pre death whitney houston

- laughed at and mocked

and she was my bobby brown

- supporting me through it all

she was my rock

my strength

my stability

no

she was my rock

to be thrown at anybody who attacked my character

that was just her character

she was a whisper away from a fist fight

or just a scream away from a hug

she was my peace before the storm

then she was my storm and my calm after the storm

she was my words

my world

she was you...

so thank you

for being my muse

paulwroteit/copyright 2012

butterflies

when I hear  her voice
i still get butterflies
wrapping themselves
around my esophagus like a noose
hanging my heart from a string
like a piñata
as we talk
each word
swings with the fierceness of a 10 year old boy
high on processed sugar and misplaced anger
too scared to come down from his sugar rush
sending thoughts of what could have never been
crashing into my soul
until all of the butterflies
have died

paulwroteit/copyright2013

undead

by the time you find this
it will already be to late

i will have given up on the fantasy of forever

forever ago

i will have fought every urge to call you

or text you

or drive by your parents house to see if you were there

i will have dated

just enough replacements

to have you out of my system

i will have poured enough liquor into my kidney

to erase any trace of you from my bloodstream

i will have broken my fingers

so i could no longer hold on

to the memories of what i thought was forever

i will have loved you

and hated that i loved you

described you

in conversations as my past

even when thinking of you as my future

i will have died

and resurrected as a different me

determined to never die again

so by the time you find this

know that i died for you

i died for love

i died for us

but i refuse to ever die again

(paulwroteit/copyright 2013)

who was she

we started out fucking

i mean the reality was

she was

the means to an end

my uncle once told me

the quickest way to get over somebody

was to get under somebody

and even though she was everything that a girlfriend should be

she found me at a place in my life

where

a girlfriend isnt what i needed

a girlfriend isnt what i wanted

a girlfriend isnt what i was ready for

i had treated so many past relationships like they were disposable contacts

so as soon as i pulled one out i put another one in

but couldnt figure out why my vision of love hadnt change

i never saw her as a girlfriend

so

her cries for a relationship fell on deaf ears

and it was almost deafening the way should would tell me things that she should only mention to her forever

i used to joke

and tell her that was not

mr right

but i was mr right now

and i was going to be here for her

at least

until in the morning

but morning came quickly

and 12:01 AM

was still A.M.

and before the second hand pushed the clock to 12:02

there i was

getting dressed

and putting my close on faster than i came

oh you best believe i came

and went

leaving her to settle for any attention that i would give

she lied and told her friends

that we were friends

but we were just fucking

i mean the reality was

she was just the means to an end

see my heart had gone on strike

refusing to fall for that love shit again

broken hearts seem to beat slower than dead ones and i was tired of dying a slow death

but i could care less about who i killed in the process

moving on was a process

so i told HER to move on

i relegated her to being just an out of place after the club phone call

i refused to make her sunday mornings

she was only saturday night

so i told her to find someone else

someone that could love her the way love was intended

i finally told her

that we were just fucking

but the reality was

she was just my way

of getting over you

(paulwroteit/copyright 2013)

traffic

images of she

danced on my tongue

like lies told at bachelor parties

we were

miles past the formalities

so our hellos were just roadblocks

conversation became detours

like orange barrels in construction zones

what i wanted

was to race past traffic

and lay kisses like road maps

from her thighs

to her

smile

take her commute

from mundane

to miraculous

give her a reason to leave home

just to come back home again

leaving

the key in the lock

and forgetting to make sure the door shut behind her

i wanted to go from being behind her

to being her future

she still smelled like peppermint bubble bath when she walked through the door

so i quickly

poured all of her into my soul

and began drinking her body with slow sips

see i

i wanted to taste away her day

drink her problems from her fingertips

until her hands

were empty enough to caress the back of my head

i wanted to

swallow

whatever kept her from running

so she could wrap her legs around my shoulders

i wanted to remind her

that no matter how her day started

it could always end like this

because roadblocks and detours

still come with alternate routes

and the anticipation of the destination

often makes for a better ride

so i lied

when they asked why i missed the bachelor party

i told them that i got caught in traffic

that my destination

wasnt predestined

that where they were

didnt come with alternative directions

but the truth is

the minute you walked in

smelling like peppermint bubble bath

i was already

tasting

where i wanted to be

(paulwroteit/copyright 2013)

refuse

listening

to brokenhearted records on replay
covering my heart in each lyric
as if they were a shield for cupids arrow
refusing

to ever be shot again

this is war
and i have lost
far too many battles by letting my heart be vulnerable
good soldiers

know their own weakness
and refuse to let that
be the death of them
i died

if only for a moment
but in my resurrection
i vowed
to never die again
so now i

treat every situation as if it is disposable
take no chances
i keep
my heart in a glass case
behind a concrete wall
buried deep beneath my minds sensibilities

because i know

i know my own heart
cannot be trusted

it loves too easily
it falls too fast
it opens too quickly
then
without any warning
it breaks

so i
pick up the pieces
and wrap them
in brokenhearted lyrics
as i remind myself

that heartbreak is forever
and lonely
is the nightmare of soldiers who continue to let their heart be a target
i may have lost many battles to love
but i refuse

refuse to lose the war

(paulwroteit/copyright 2013)

secret society of suckers

i

should have never believed in love

or santa clause

or the easter bunny

i 

should have never wished upon a star

or threw pennies into wishing wells

i 

should have never dreamed

i 

should have never kissed your lips

or held your hand

i should have never fallen in love

but i did

i

found my self

waiting by fire places 

looking for something that never existed

full from forcing last years chocolate down because i knew that  was forever

but nothing is forever

some things dont even last past

right

now

pasted whispers on the backs of copper disc and tossed them  as deep as i could

i would have given more if i thought it would have made a difference

but dreams

are lies

and wishes are wasted on children who still have hope

i hope for the truth

and the knowledge that love if fantasy

like santa clause

or the easter bunny

and dreams

dreams only exist when you are dying

and love

love is for suckers

(paulwroteit)

tendencies

it was almost as if
i couldnt keep it from happening
images of you drowned all of my thoughts
as my hand slowly slid down my body
melting into my skin
thoughts of us
laughing over dinner suffocated my subconscious
as i reached into it hiding place
and slowly unmasked what i thought was perfection
i
closed my eyes
images of you and i
together
became more clear
with a soft grip
i began to stroke it with shotgun like precision
i gripped it tighter with each caress
until i found myself at the point of no return
i thought of our kisses
our touches
our long lingering hugs
all of our quite moments
i thought of every reason that we fell in love
and just as i pulled the trigger
BANG
i thought about you not loving me anymore

(paulwroteit)

thank you...

i remember

why i stopped writing love poems

the words seemed to be fantasy

my 

happily ever after 

was the dream of children

before heart break began to change the color of their love

lies

i told myself no more lies

and the truth is

nothing last past 

right now

there is no forever

except in broken hearts

and the time it takes them to heal

so thank you

for reminding me daily

that forever is only a life time when tears are involved

because hurt is forever

and love 

love is what causes it all

(paul wilkinson/copyright 2013)

open letter to God from Adam

dear God
i
started to pen this letter realizing that you already know what its going to say.
i recognize in your omnipotence you probably already have an answer planned
but before you say a word
let me explain.

you have never been alone
even in creations you said “let us”
you dont know what its like to feel the weight of the world on your shoulders
and not have anyone to just talk to
i mean i know i could have talked to you before it all happened but you created existence and sometimes i just wanted to vent
sometimes i wanted to yell
sometimes i wanted to sit in silence and be just adam

but you created me with a purpose
and in my purpose driven life there were times where i couldnt find my way
times where i seemed confused by it all
times where i was realized yes i may be created in your image but i am only a man

now i wasnt going to run away from my duties
because thats not being a man
but there were times when you werent looking that i would hide my face and  cry
i would walk by the banks of the Euphrates and question your perfection
i would ask myself what kind of God is this that would give companionship to everything else
but the one being that was created in his image
he created alone

i was alone
and in my most tender moments
you
recognized my sorrow
and created perfection

you see, i
well i was flawed
my entire existence was created in chaos
loved by you but even at my inception the angels plotted my demise
jealous of the pedestal that you placed me on
i was the only thing that separated the yin from the yang

and while both sides were pulling at my soul
there was she
perfection perfectly personified
she was more than a help meet, she was my soul mate, my friend
i knew from moment that we met that we were destined to be great
but only if we found greatness together
i was king
because you gave me dominion over everything but you knew i couldnt do it alone
so you gave me she
and together we were a kingdom

but then she fell
because i failed
i failed to give the same direction to her that you gave to me
i failed to tell her how it felt to be alone
i failed to be her protector when that puck ass serpent convinced her to fall

but God here is what i need to explain
you may think that i made a mistake
you may think that my fall from grace was just a lapse in judgement
you may think that my decision to disobey the one rule that you gave me was not a calculated thought

but you see she
was my soul mate
she was my friend
she
was my rib
so when she failed
we failed
together

now God
you may think that i didnt think this through
but i
i
i refused to do this alone
again

i refuse to walk the face of the earth
searching for something that i had already found

i refuse to let her die alone
because i failed
to protect her
so God
this is what i really need you to understand
i am only a man
flawed in my existence but created in your image
and perfected in my queen

and i just didnt want to do this alone

your first son
Adam

dear new guy

dear new guy
i probably should have taken the time to learn your name
but it seems like time our has run out
the moment i saw you
walking hand in hand with my girl-friend
excuse me
ex girlfriend
i just assumed that your name was douche bag
but for the purpose of this letter i will call you phil

so
dear phil
fuck you

where as you probably didnt even know that she already had a boyfriend
it is hard for me to hate a woman that i vowed to love forever
she and i had talked about forever
so i easily misplace my anger on you
the stranger that is holding the same hand that i wanted to place a ring on

i never thought that forever had an expiration date

i thought that she and i were like water
so as long as we were never stagnant
we were good
for something

but then came
you
phil
fuck you phil
you were worn on her smile like the end of a good book
she was a happy ending
written in a true story that we were penning daily
but our days became shorter
our nights became restless
her smile
began to attach itself to text messages and private phone calls

we
stopped doing us
because she needed to do her
said she wanted time alone
but her alone time
had her returning home smelling like unnoticeable fragrances
i once even mentioned it in conversation
and she said
it must have been something at the mall

phil she hates shopping
fuck you phil

but i
wrote that off like a one time event
but events are just one night like the superbowl or wwe raw
and this became her life
her lie became her life
you became her life

so here i sit
pistol in my lap
pen in my hand
re-writing my story
re-telling my ending

wondering if she will be just as shocked when she sees me
as i was when i saw you
holding the last hand that i thought i would ever hold

phil
i hope
they read this at my funeral
i hope she cries
i hope that one day
she sees that she killed me for you
and you
you will be holding hands with some other woman
and she will be screaming

i hate you
fuck you phil

i wish i knew you

i dont know harlem
i didnt experience what it was like to be in the midst of a renaissance
i wasnt there for langton hughes or countee cullen or james weldon johnson
i dont know their world
i know their works
i know the emotion that is invoked when i read their heart scrolled against digital pages that didnt even exist when they were writing
but i dont know
harlem

i listen
as count bassie or dizzy gillespie or louis armstrong play the soundtrack for the moment
but when i close my eyes
i dont see harlem

there are no flash back
or cut away to a different time
i grew up during in a different time
when we had forgotten about our struggles
masked our pride with false success made off of drug sales

when i close my eyes i see
fatherless homes
where women are raising our boys to be just like them
i see daughters
searching for love in desolate places
i see our pride being hustled for pennies on the dollar by the same thieves that stole our soul

i dont know
harlem

our children
may never see success like rosewood or black wall street
they may believe that ballin’ is based on bullshit
where success means selling out

who in the hell gave stepin fetchit a record deal
who in the hell gave stepin fetchit a record deal
who in the hell

my children may never hear james brown yell about black pride and understand how it charged a nation living in exile
to busy believing in love taught by lil wyane
and this is not a shot a lil wayne
but damn
where is my renaissance

i dont know harlem

i know that somewhere along the way our queens became bitches then started calling themselves kings
i know that somewhere along the way our kings became dogs then started calling themselves God
i know that our soul has been sold
like slaves on auction blocks
where parts of our very culture are picked apart and mimicked
i know that our dreams
have been placed on the shoulders of ancestors that dont even recognize who we are

harlem,
i am sorry
because i really wish i knew you