12:30 AM : #thelightyears

they say it it darkest

just before the light

but nightfall seemed to come so early

and the sun

no longer shines here

here

i stand

holding more broken hearts than fulfilled promises

asking god if she

would ever be able to forgive me

i wrote down every lie that i ever told

on the backs of bible pages

then set each of them on fire

no more telling myself that i will do better the next time

this time

is the only time that matters

so this time

i want to tell you every untruth

and pray that when god hears them

she

will know that i changed

god

i have changed

so i lead

with the only honest thing that i can

hi my name is

paul

i am my father's son

son of an addict

and just like his father

i am

powerless over my own addictions

i have died

more times that i would love to count

only to be resurrected as the same

me

i am afraid of mice

and frogs

and love

fearful that my truth

was never really truth in the first place

only lies

disguised as promises

so

i will no longer promise

i will no longer tie myself to my own falsehoods

i will no longer give you less than you deserve

i will give you truth

the truth

not my truth

packaged up for your consumption

with a bow and a prayer that it aligns with the stars

i am a star

but this time

i want you to see

that in my darkest moment

i shine

just as bright as i can

and i pray

that every night

at 12:30 AM

you still look up to the heavens

and see us

shining