fin

i
kept listening for the silence
sounds ripping through the wind
reminded me of chaos
but i needed peace

the tranquility of laying next to your heart
during those nights of nothingness

you taught me

that doing nothing
with someone you love
is better than doing everything you can

alone

but here i lay
alone
listening for the silence
wondering if you
would push your way through the tragedy
just to lay with me

they said i died

for those few seconds
the sirens sounded like angels
heaven opened its doors
and god herself reached for my hand

i wanted more than this
more for us
more
than a lifetime would ever allow

i wanted to walk into reincarnation with you

where we would be monarch butterflies
or dolphins
or grizzly bears
or water beetles
or texas sized grass hoppers
or wind

who cares

as long as we were doing it together

but there i lay
surrounded by chaos

trying to convince god
that this
was not how it was supposed to end
telling her
that her destiny was a lie
and that forever
carried an expiration date

i thought about dates
and how our days never seemed number
how our first kiss felt like it lasted a lifetime
and i was born again into your heartbeat
then died in your arms
only to be resurrected in your smile

but the sirens

kept reminding me that those were just memories
stories written into a book
filled with every lie
or unfulfilled promise that ever fell from my lips

i am sorry
that i am no longer your forever
that this chapter
wasnt written with a happy ending
that this moment
leaves me listening to the chaos

alone

the end

(paulwroteit/copyright 2013)

for my muse: Best I Ever Had

"you know a lot of girls be thinking my song is about them, but this is not to be confused. this one is for you..." Drake Best I Ever Had

you knew me
from my flaws to my perfection
you
were my perfection

i would pour
thoughts of you into my pen
then write until your soul stained our sheets

you were my truth
away from the lies
that others listen to on stage

the only stories that they had
were imagined behind a microphone

but you
you were my image
reflecting everything that i was doing right

you took my words
and laid them gently on your heart

you knew my words
before they became objectified
and torn apart for public consumption

the masses
would rip at my flesh
but
you
pulled at my soul

you were my soul
my pleasure
and my pain
pouring out from my pen
staining more than just our sheets

you knew me

better than i ever wanted to admit

you were my flawed moments of perfection
poured into my pen
permanently written into every part of my life

(paulwroteit/copyright 2013)

weather report

we had both been here before
dancing around the idea
like native tribes did fire

we must have wanted it to rain
just to see if we could weather the storm
so we

both boarded up our hearts
stored enough supplies
just to get by
and listened for the fall out

in here we were safe

we had both decided
it is better to
never love again
than to have our hearts broken into pieces
so we stayed away from windows

kept the doors to our soul shut tight
and pulled the curtains as far as they could go
we tempered our laughter

because smiles always led to joy
and joy led to love
and love led to
tears

that seemed constant

at least that was our constant

and neither of us wanted to cry again
so we

refused to tempt fate
wouldnt allow each other to fall past right now
i became her right now
she became my excuse to never love

we stood defiant
to the idea of relationship
because together
we thought we had what we needed

until

she needed more and our

friendship was no longer beneficial

she wanted
to dance in the rain
but i was still to afraid to get wet

i still
carried too many brokenhearted pieces to hold open an umbrella

i still danced
around the idea of forever
but could give her more than right now

she kept looking past right now
said that our forecast called for sunshine
but i told her that meteorologist were just carnival game merchants
who lied for the sake of ticket sales

but we had been here
before
her ready to love
and me
afraid of the idea

and
praying for more rain

(paulwroteit/copyright2013)

thank you

she has always been my muse

my comfort on uncomfortable days

my unbroken promise

she was there for me when it seemed like the world had turned its back

i was post crack pre death whitney houston

- laughed at and mocked

and she was my bobby brown

- supporting me through it all

she was my rock

my strength

my stability

no

she was my rock

to be thrown at anybody who attacked my character

that was just her character

she was a whisper away from a fist fight

or just a scream away from a hug

she was my peace before the storm

then she was my storm and my calm after the storm

she was my words

my world

she was you...

so thank you

for being my muse

paulwroteit/copyright 2012

butterflies

when I hear  her voice
i still get butterflies
wrapping themselves
around my esophagus like a noose
hanging my heart from a string
like a piñata
as we talk
each word
swings with the fierceness of a 10 year old boy
high on processed sugar and misplaced anger
too scared to come down from his sugar rush
sending thoughts of what could have never been
crashing into my soul
until all of the butterflies
have died

paulwroteit/copyright2013

undead

by the time you find this
it will already be to late

i will have given up on the fantasy of forever

forever ago

i will have fought every urge to call you

or text you

or drive by your parents house to see if you were there

i will have dated

just enough replacements

to have you out of my system

i will have poured enough liquor into my kidney

to erase any trace of you from my bloodstream

i will have broken my fingers

so i could no longer hold on

to the memories of what i thought was forever

i will have loved you

and hated that i loved you

described you

in conversations as my past

even when thinking of you as my future

i will have died

and resurrected as a different me

determined to never die again

so by the time you find this

know that i died for you

i died for love

i died for us

but i refuse to ever die again

(paulwroteit/copyright 2013)

who was she

we started out fucking

i mean the reality was

she was

the means to an end

my uncle once told me

the quickest way to get over somebody

was to get under somebody

and even though she was everything that a girlfriend should be

she found me at a place in my life

where

a girlfriend isnt what i needed

a girlfriend isnt what i wanted

a girlfriend isnt what i was ready for

i had treated so many past relationships like they were disposable contacts

so as soon as i pulled one out i put another one in

but couldnt figure out why my vision of love hadnt change

i never saw her as a girlfriend

so

her cries for a relationship fell on deaf ears

and it was almost deafening the way should would tell me things that she should only mention to her forever

i used to joke

and tell her that was not

mr right

but i was mr right now

and i was going to be here for her

at least

until in the morning

but morning came quickly

and 12:01 AM

was still A.M.

and before the second hand pushed the clock to 12:02

there i was

getting dressed

and putting my close on faster than i came

oh you best believe i came

and went

leaving her to settle for any attention that i would give

she lied and told her friends

that we were friends

but we were just fucking

i mean the reality was

she was just the means to an end

see my heart had gone on strike

refusing to fall for that love shit again

broken hearts seem to beat slower than dead ones and i was tired of dying a slow death

but i could care less about who i killed in the process

moving on was a process

so i told HER to move on

i relegated her to being just an out of place after the club phone call

i refused to make her sunday mornings

she was only saturday night

so i told her to find someone else

someone that could love her the way love was intended

i finally told her

that we were just fucking

but the reality was

she was just my way

of getting over you

(paulwroteit/copyright 2013)

traffic

images of she

danced on my tongue

like lies told at bachelor parties

we were

miles past the formalities

so our hellos were just roadblocks

conversation became detours

like orange barrels in construction zones

what i wanted

was to race past traffic

and lay kisses like road maps

from her thighs

to her

smile

take her commute

from mundane

to miraculous

give her a reason to leave home

just to come back home again

leaving

the key in the lock

and forgetting to make sure the door shut behind her

i wanted to go from being behind her

to being her future

she still smelled like peppermint bubble bath when she walked through the door

so i quickly

poured all of her into my soul

and began drinking her body with slow sips

see i

i wanted to taste away her day

drink her problems from her fingertips

until her hands

were empty enough to caress the back of my head

i wanted to

swallow

whatever kept her from running

so she could wrap her legs around my shoulders

i wanted to remind her

that no matter how her day started

it could always end like this

because roadblocks and detours

still come with alternate routes

and the anticipation of the destination

often makes for a better ride

so i lied

when they asked why i missed the bachelor party

i told them that i got caught in traffic

that my destination

wasnt predestined

that where they were

didnt come with alternative directions

but the truth is

the minute you walked in

smelling like peppermint bubble bath

i was already

tasting

where i wanted to be

(paulwroteit/copyright 2013)