perfectly imperfect

i was friday night lights
dancing with the devil
soaking up praise from parishioners like preachers do in pulpits
i stood on stages and sold soliloquies
i was brash
bold
and beholden to my own
being
as soon as god gave me breath
i was being

grasping for glory
i had game planned my greatness
i was god

no blasphemy in my bravado
i was god's son
given this gift
i used it as god gave it to me
it was good

but she
she was sunday morning service
her praise was private
her soliloquies stood in shadows
she was quiet
and quaint
she was the reason for her reign
queen
she was queen

we were different
opposite ends of a candle
but burning just as bright
i was 12 AM when the world was at its darkest
and shadows ran rampant

she was 12 noon
when the sun decided to dance at its highest
touching everything with its light

she was my light
and i was her rough edge
she was my quiet whisper
and i was her fight
she taught me how to have a warm heart
as i taught her how to have a cold shoulder
turn her back on those who were not worthy of her smile

she was my smile
and i was her
"quick to punch a motherf*cker in the mouth if they looked at us wrong"

we were wrong
but only when we weren't together
because separately
our imperfections stood up and shouted
made a mockery of this mess that we called love

but hand in hand
they danced
complemented each other with perfection

she said nothing was perfect
so pessimistic

i told her that WE were perfect
the lies of an optimist

but only in our imperfections

because our imperfection made us perfect
for each other

she was enough quiet for the both of us
and i promised to never roar in the house

she made me perfect
and i
showed her
that she had always been

(paulwroteit/copyright 2014)

otis

i
realize now where i went wrong
where things fell apart
broken moments not listening to the music
ignoring the same advice that i had given countless times in the past
pulling the strings on us
until we
unraveled like a tattered sweater
not
paying attention to my past
not understanding that sometimes
love gets weary
wearing the same old shaggy smile
listening for soft words until the world becomes easier to bear

i didnt
make things easier
i forgot
to turn off my aggression
and make tender those situations
when all love needed
was a moment

one
- if i could, i would rewrite our beginning on the inside of my eyelids
so the story of us would be the first thing i would see in my dreams

two
- i would write out every negative part of my past until it flowed away from my pen forever.

three
- i would write you the story of my life
openly and honestly
letting you read the parts of me that were hidden from my own heartbeat

four
- i would write you the world.
letting you be my muse
the underlying theme behind every word written

five
- i would love you

five
- i will love you

five
- i love you

six
- every day
from now until forever
i will remember my own advice
and the advice of countless others
to just love you

seven
- i will listen to the music
and play more otis
and sam
and marvin
and james and ray and bobby and luther
i will slow dance
whenever you just want to slow dance

eight
- i will recognize where i went wrong
and when the song plays
i will close my eyes
and pull you next to my heart beat

and love you.

(paulwroteit/copyright 2014)

questions

she asked me
if these poems were about you
if
when i picked up my pen
you were still my muse

she said
she could see you in my smile
claimed you
were the stoned wall that was wrapped around my heartbeat

she said my love poems
sounded as if they were written by praying hands
that said your name right after i said amen

and my hate poems
sounded like someone
had broken a glass menagerie filled with all of our hopes and dreams

she said i loved you
still
and she was tired of finding you
tucked into places in my heart that she didnt even know existed

maybe she came too soon
maybe in letting you go i forgot how to hold on
maybe i didnt know what being done was

because i said we were done
but how
could i convince her of something that i wasnt sure of myself

but these poems were not about you
and you are no more of my muse
than she

but you knew that
and she
only knew what she force herself to believe

because you knew me
just enough to tuck yourself into places in my heart that i would stumble upon in my dreams

you knew that i wrote in my dreams
so you waited for me
right above the clouds
and whispered your name into my thoughts
so when i closed my eyes
and sketched my heart into words
scrolled across a blank canvases

everything i wrote

was still about you

paulwroteit/copyright 2014

Schizophrenia

i hate you
at least i wish i could hate you

i wish i could hate you with the same passion that i loved you with

i wish i could
walk backwards into my destiny
and tell my younger self
to never say hello

never
pursue the promise
because it is going to become problematic

never approach you
never tempt fate
never give in
to the temptations of love

never loved you

i wish i could
turn off my heart
and only listen to my head
because my head has never fallen
its always practical
and calculated
and alone

i wish i would have left you alone

i love you
at least i wish i could love you

i wish i could love you with the passion that i hated you with

i wish i could
run at full speed into my destiny
and tell my older self
that trials lead to triumph

always
preserver past the problems
because there is much more in the promise

be thankful for the approach
embrace the fate
and accept everything that is tempted in love

love
for the sake of love

i wish i could
turn my heart back on
but it has been broken past repair
now it only listens to my head
it is pierced
and callused
and alone

i wish i would have left you alone

i wish i could love you
again
and hate you
never
and pretend that our perfection was our promise

i promise to love you
just as long as i hate you
and i promise to hate you
forever

(paulwroteit/copyright 2014)

a letter to my next first kiss

i want my next first kiss
to be more awkward than my last

to linger on my lips
long enough to permanently change my mind about love

i want it

to be unexpected
like it was sent by parcel post
and the sender never told me that it was coming
never
notified me of a tracking number
never left a note on my door

i want to hear
my heart
ring like a doorbell
and when i open my soul
i want to be surprised

i want to wear it
publicly like a badge of honor
so soldiers of unfortunate love will stop and salute me

i want people to see it
and turn their heads
pretending
to be bothered
when honestly they are just showing their jealousy
wishing this
could be them

i want us to never be them
never be
anything
that either of us held on to in our past

our past didnt last
and i want my
next first kiss to be the start of forever

i want it to lead to more sunrises than sunsets

i want it to be the beginning of infinity
the big bang
that moment that god created light
the inner peace that buddhist seek

i want my next first kiss to be the sunrise
on a day that never ends
i want it
attached to a smile that last forever

i want it now and forever

i want my next first kiss
to erase every kiss that came before it
place new memories in old frames
and then glue them in so they will live forever

i want to see forever
the moment i open my eyes
right after
my next first kiss

(paulwroteit/copyright 2014)