the heartbreak of one : #thelightyears

I have been

single

my entire life

single

through roughly

6 girlfriends

one wife

and countless

situations that i refused

to place a label on

i have been single

i was never invested in

we

i was never invested in the moment of us

i was never

invested

i learned

to treat relationships like they were disposable

because one hundred percent of marriages end in death

or divorce

and one broken heart was one too many for me

so i

refused to be

committed

monogamous

trustworthy

loyal

steadfast

dependable

i refused to be faithful

i refused to love

love without fear

love without limits

i refused to trust myself

i refused to be trusted

i refused to be vulnerable

i watched relationships

and draped myself in their failure

covered myself in their downfall

promised my heart that it would never be me

if i

was going to feel heartbreak

it would be because i broke my own heart

i have broken

my heart far too many times

through 6 girlfriends

one wife

and countless situations that i refused to put a label on

i

have been alone

i will die

solitary

lonely

by my self

because i have lived

single

for my entire life

fly free : #thelightyears

I said the last time

would be the last time

The last line would be the last line

I tried to wipe

your name from my tongue

I chained

thoughts of you in the basement of my mind

Until I realized

that they would still get free

and run through the corridors of my soul

You will forever be in my soul

and my heart

But not my life

I ran you out of my life

Because i was unable to handle your light

And you

Didn't know the depths of my darkness

I wake up

Searching for sunshine behind billowing clouds

There were

summer days

Where some of our days

seemed dark enough to remind me of the light

You were my light

When god said

Let there be

she understood the depths of my darkness

This is my darkness

My darkest moment

Left me praying an addicts prayer

• God, grant me the serenity to accept the fact that i am dying without her but being with her was killing her slowly

I was wise enough to know

That i was killing you

Slowly

I said the last time

would be the last time

The last line would be the last line

I promised myself that i would stop writing

About you

Stop writing

About us

Stop writing

About love

Whether lost or found

But my muse

Was tied up in the basement of my mind

And every time it would get free

I would pick up my pen

And let your light

shine through my darkness

If i stop writing about you

I stop writing

And when im not writing

im dying

So you will forever be in my pen

And my poetry

But not in my life

And not in my light

I will write you

Out of my darkness

And when god says

Let there be

Hopefully i can shine on my own

god is...

i stand in her light
and dance in her creation
god is a woman

the brooklyn moment... #thelightyears

i

remember the first time that i found happiness

my darkness

had cloaked itself in depression

and i had forgotten what promises looked like

so i

dodged sunlight like bram stokers dracula

moving in shadows

and fearful of my own reflection

this burden

seemed to live in me forever

my desires

were only quenched by my thirst for fast life

and women whom

i would forget by day break

they loved me for a moment

just enough to hate me forever

just enough to learn that i didn't love myself

but long enough to feel the claws of my depression scratching against their heartbeat

they love me

but i didn't know how to love them back

so i

fearfully crushed their innocence

and prayed someone else would be there to pick up the pieces

until she

she asked me about love

and if i still believed

she asked me about marriage

and if i would do it again

she asked me about heartbreak

and if it hurt forever

so i told her yes

and yes

and no

i told her that love

was like feeling the sun

laying kisses against your face

while the wind was

embracing your heartbeat

i told her that love

was the idea of risking it all

for someone who was willing to risk it with you

i told her that love

was abstract

and tangible

and distant

and close

and i had felt it

and touched it

and held it

and lost it

i told her that i lost love

and i lost me

and i lost moments that i would never get back

and she reminded me

of how i once felt

and she told me that she would help me find my way

and my heart

she reminded me of my innocence

and of my peace

and of my desire to be an example for her

she reminded me to love

without fear

the same way that i love her

the same way that god loves me

she reminded me

that a little child shall lead them

she reminded me that my heart beats for a reason

and loving her is one

treasure

she handed me her heart

in a box

a bunch of broken pieces that she said she had learned to live without

she told me

if i could put them back together again then it was mine

to keep

she handed me her smile

she had thrown it into a bag

said she

was going to give it to goodwill

just had not had time to drop it off

she told me

dont look too close to the edges of her smile

because they had been withered by her tears

she had sadness in her laugh

she handed me her peace

she had left it in the attic next to her memories

before she had lost her way

she told me

it may be faded

but to her it was all junk

nothing to be treasured

nothing to hold on to

she had learned to do without it

made excuses for how she really didn't need it

she told me it was all trash

broken parts of her past

that she was willing to let go

i asked for her time

told her that i would rather glue the pieces of her heart back together

with my soul than to leave them in her attic

i told her the withering of her smile was where the roses of her future would grow

i asked for her trust

told her that i was willing

to give her as much time as she needed to find it

while i

danced in her light

and laughed in her smile

and told her that her peace

was my destination

and her heart

was my treasure

and her love

we could find

together

royalty : #thelightyears

"It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us"

you should have seen him

no fear

his confidence

was attached to bottle rockets

soaring toward the sun

he stood

with his chest out

back straight

poised and proper

and yelled

"i am king of the world"

he was seven

and for no other reason than his declaration

in this moment

at this time

i was proud

proud that he

had not lost his innocence

but still found his voice

proud that he recognized his light

realized that he was powerful over the darkness

his world

may have only consisted of legos, a turtle that he named ninja, and deciding on which lunchable he would have today

but in this world

he had declared himself king

in this world

he had no worries

in this world

he was his own light

and i was merely a witness to his greatness

in this world

my son is a king

and whether i am a peasant

or elder

sitting on the seat of his council

just knowing that

he is king of the world

makes me feel

royal

forever : #thelightyears

this is where we start

forever

it may have been the first date

the first real conversation

the first time that we moved past our

representatives

the first time we just

were

falling

getting to know more than just the calculated hellos

we were past

shy moments of not wanting to say the wrong thing

we were honest

open

truthful

without fear of failure

i told her that i had failed

far too many times to remember

i told her that i was prone to make mistakes

i told her about my flaws

and that my sobriety

looks different because my addiction looks different

but my journey looks the same

i told her

the truth

this is how we start

forever